Not tonight darling, I have a headache...

How many hearts (and penises!) sink at the utterance of that simple phrase… yet again, sex is off the agenda, and you roll over to lie back to back, disappointed and disconnected, lonely and frustrated.  How has it come to this? What happened to the raunchy, uninhibited sex of the early days, the partner who could not keep their hands off of you, the sexual energy that passed between you every time your eyes connected…? As the years roll by, all too often passion and sensuality are replaced by familiarity, comfort and perhaps boredom.  Desire diminishes and sex gradually disappears from the relationship.

This will be a familiar story for many couples. So what causes low desire and how can we address it? In fact the problem is better described as a discrepancy in desire between partners. If both partners want sex once a month, then they are probably happy enough with their sex lives or at least with the frequency of sex. However, if one partner wants to make love once a month and the other once a day, this is likely to prove a bone of contention. In many relationships there is a ‘low desire’ partner and a ‘high desire partner’. The high desire partner is frustrated because he or she is the one always making the sexual approaches, while the low desire partner is the one always saying ‘no’. The low desire partner actually ends up with the sexual power as he or she becomes the gatekeeper of the sexual relationship, controlling when and how often the couple have sex.

There is no ‘right’ number of times to be having sex a week, month or year. A good sex life is less about quantity and more about quality. Great sex, according to Professor Peggy Kleinplatz, is about being “fully present, authentic, vulnerable, intensely connected with a partner and emotionally willing to take risks during sex”. This is far from the goal-oriented sex many couples have, aimed at reaching orgasm as quickly as possible. Instead it is about being in the moment, savouring every touch of your partner’s body, sensing the presence of skin on skin, paying attention to the sights, smells, sounds and sensations. How often are we really fully present when we have sex? In so many cases, we are in our heads rather than in our bodies, rewinding to past experiences or fast forwarding to future plans, running our fantasies through our minds or mentally preparing the shopping list. All of these things prevent us from really experiencing and connecting with our partner. It is no wonder that so many couples find sex mundane, boring and repetitive after a while; they are no longer experiencing any kind of connection with each other.

So what can couples do to re-kindle the passion and desire in their relationship? How can they ensure that sex once again becomes an erotic and sensuous experience? Perversely, they may need to begin by taking sex off of the agenda. As long as we are focused on the twin goals of penetration and orgasm, we are no longer giving our full attention to what we are experiencing in our bodies in the moment. By taking time to just explore our partner’s body without going onto have sex, we can get back in touch with the sensations that arouse both us and them. In order to do this, we have to be prepared to know our own bodies intimately as well. Take time to lie down alone and explore your own body, finding out where and how you like to be touched. You will then be able to show your partner what really turns you on.

Spend time remembering what originally attracted you to your partner; talk with your partner about the sexual high points of the relationship. What made the experiences so erotic and intense? Remember what it felt like to truly desire one another. What was it each of you was doing differently back then? Try to recapture some of the magic of those early times. If you have children, find a babysitter one night a week and plan a date night. Take turns to decide how you will spend the time. You may want to go out to a restaurant or to relive some of your first dates. Or you may decide to stay in and share your fantasies with one another, read erotica together or watch porn. There are some excellent female porn directors, such as Anna Span, making films specifically for the female market. The content is more realistic than that of male-oriented porn, there is more focus on the story and the sex shots designed to stimulate the female as well as the male viewer.

In addition to your weekly date night, take turns to ask each other for a daily act of intimacy; this may be a neck massage, a walk in the park hand in hand, or simply 15 minutes to sit and talk. By re-establishing an intimate connection out of the bedroom, you will begin to prepare the ground for greater arousal and erotic energy during sex.

The great thing about sexual desire is that it can often be revived, given the right conditions and some tender loving care. In some cases there may be greater blocks to sexual arousal, such as hormonal imbalances, depression, poor body image, relationship difficulties or previous sexual trauma. In such situations, couples will benefit from the assistance of a sex coach or therapist to help them explore and address the underlying causes of low desire.  Many couples suffer in silence, believing their sex lives to be dead and buried.  Reviving your sex life begins with reviving your communication; share your fears and concerns with your partner and work together on bringing back the erotic, sensual and playful sex life that you both deserve!

Power Play: Learning the Finer Arts of BDSM from a True Mistress

Sex and power are often seen as dangerous bedfellows. Consider President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, the boss and his secretary or the college professor and her student. It is generally accepted that sex should not involve an abuse of power or be used in a way that can give one person unfair control over another. And yet, playing with power and control can be a powerful erotic stimulus for many couples. A woman who knows this only too well is Mistress Josephine, a London-based dominatrix who provides training for couples wishing to experiment with bondage and discipline, domination and submission. I went to visit her for afternoon tea to find out more about her work.

Mistress Josephine’s dungeons are a very pleasant surprise. Refined and elegant, with white wooden floors, mirrored ceilings and an artfully-arranged display of sexual paraphernalia, they are as far from the seedy image of the fetish world portrayed in the media as one could imagine. Despite sitting down opposite a black leather corporal punishment bench, with an impressive array of whips, crops and paddles hanging above my head, I felt very comfortable and relaxed as Mistress Josephine told me about her work of teaching couples the finer art of BDSM (as it is referred to in the business).  Before meeting a couple, Mistress Josephine will speak to them on the phone to put them at ease and to find out what it is they would like to get from their time in the dungeon. She will help each of them to explore whether they prefer to be the dominant or the submissive partner and allow them to try out each role. She teaches them how to tie and tease one another in an erotic fashion, and to experiment lightly with spanking, whips and paddles if that is their desire. Learning how to play from a professional helps couples to build confidence, understand how they can successfully turn their fantasies into reality and learn how to play safely. For example, she shows couples how to correctly spank a partner, so as to gently warm the skin on the bottom in a way that will raise endorphin levels.

For any couple thinking about engaging in BDSM activities, it is important they have already established a deep level of trust with one another and that they take time to set boundaries before embarking on any new activities. Clear communication is a must for this type of play. Neither party should ever feel that they are doing something that they don’t want to do in order to please their partner. This is about the role-playing of power imbalances, not about real control of one person over another. In fact, the well-kept secret about domination and submission is that it is actually the submissive that is in control; she or he decides upon the level of intensity and sets the boundaries of the activity. It is imperative to agree a safe word in advance, so that the dominant partner respects the submissive’s boundaries and knows when to stop. Often used safe words include “amber” for  “stop doing the particular thing that you are doing at the moment” and “red” for “stop the role play completely immediately”. “No” or “stop” are not usually used as safe words, as the submissive partner might use these as part of the role play and the dominant cannot be sure if they are said as part of the game or in earnest.

My time spent with Mistress Josephine in her dungeon felt neither dark nor sinister, as I had perhaps subconsciously feared beforehand.  It was, in fact, informative, light-hearted and great fun. For many couples, experimenting with a little light bondage, submission and domination can open up a whole new world of possibility in the bedroom.  As couples allow their unspoken fantasies to surface and learn to communicate these to one another, a new level of intimacy can be opened up. Learning the fine arts of BDSM from a Mistress can take the experience one step further.

For further information on Mistress Josephine, please see: www.londonschoolofmistressing.com or call 07557 506760

Bringing Masturbation out of the Closet

The art of self-pleasuring is a gift bestowed upon us by Mother Nature before birth. Babies are born with the ability to have an orgasm and infants often rub themselves to achieve pleasure. However, as small children, we are often told that it is wrong to touch ourselves intimately, and we learn to associate masturbation with a sense of shame. As teenagers experiencing sexual awakening, we touch ourselves as secretly and quickly as possible to ensure that our parents do not find out. And perhaps as adults, masturbation is still something that we still feel that we need to do behind our partner’s backs or at least out of their sight, if at all.

I see many clients, mostly women, who feel that masturbation is something dirty, sordid and forbidden. Some will visibly shudder in the initial consultation when I ask them about their self-pleasuring activities. And who can blame them when society has taught us that masturbation is something that we should not talk about (let alone, heaven forbid, write a blog about!). Even for those of us who feel able to confidently touch and explore our own bodies, how often do we really allow ourselves to fully appreciate and enjoy the pleasures that they are designed to give us?

The psychotherapist Wilhelm Reich said that if you want to know how a person feels about sex, ask them how they feel about masturbation. Social conditioning can lead us to subconsciously associate masturbation with loneliness, selfishness, boredom, even sin. This can prevent us from enjoying and celebrating our own bodies in the fullest way possible. If we feel that we have to avoid or hide our masturbation urges, we suppress our real feelings, desires and longing for pleasure.  It is only once we can learn to celebrate our sexual relationship with ourselves that we can fully embrace out sexual pleasure with a partner.

For those of you who believe that masturbation is dirty or wrong, I would invite you to explore the root of this belief. Is it something that you were told in childhood? If so, is it still a belief that holds true for you today? Do you believe that you are deserving of self-loving? Only once you have addressed these fundamental questions can you begin to build a loving and rewarding relationship with your own body. Once you feel ready, begin by taking a mirror and take a good look at the body parts that you are afraid to touch; explore them with your eyes and then your fingers. Discover what feels good, explore the different sensations of soft and firm touch. Learn how to touch without judgement, simply acknowledging any negative thoughts or emotions you may experience, and then bringing your attention gently back to the sensations that you are experiencing. As you learn to touch without judgement, you will begin to experience the natural, pleasurable sensations that nature has designed your body to give to you.  

With masturbation being treated as a secret and perhaps sordid activity, it is perhaps no wonder that many of us have never had the experience of being watched whilst we masturbate. To be witnessed masturbating can be an enormous privilege both for the person touching himself and for the one who is watching. I would encourage all couples to experience at least once the joy of masturbating in front of each other. As the person doing the witnessing, you should not attempt to touch or to speak words of encouragement to your partner; your role is simply to watch and appreciate how your lover pleasures his or her own body. As the witness, you will be privileged to see the most intimate way in which your partner connects with his or her own body, to see how they touch themselves, how they move their body and how their excitement builds. You will be able to fully experience the intimate relationship that they have with themselves. Once your partner has finished, swap roles and enjoy the experience from the other point of view.  As the person being witnessed, you will be able to be fully accepted as a sexual being with a right to give yourself sexual pleasure. This can be very liberating indeed, not to mention sexually arousing and exciting. The intimacy that will grow between the two of you will be very rewarding indeed.

Whether single or in a relationship, you will always be your greatest lover, so take time to appreciate and enjoy your own body. Once you are able to love yourself and celebrate your own pleasure, your ability to enjoy sexual intimacy with another will also be greatly enriched.