Bringing Masturbation out of the Closet

The art of self-pleasuring is a gift bestowed upon us by Mother Nature before birth. Babies are born with the ability to have an orgasm and infants often rub themselves to achieve pleasure. However, as small children, we are often told that it is wrong to touch ourselves intimately, and we learn to associate masturbation with a sense of shame. As teenagers experiencing sexual awakening, we touch ourselves as secretly and quickly as possible to ensure that our parents do not find out. And perhaps as adults, masturbation is still something that we still feel that we need to do behind our partner’s backs or at least out of their sight, if at all.

I see many clients, mostly women, who feel that masturbation is something dirty, sordid and forbidden. Some will visibly shudder in the initial consultation when I ask them about their self-pleasuring activities. And who can blame them when society has taught us that masturbation is something that we should not talk about (let alone, heaven forbid, write a blog about!). Even for those of us who feel able to confidently touch and explore our own bodies, how often do we really allow ourselves to fully appreciate and enjoy the pleasures that they are designed to give us?

The psychotherapist Wilhelm Reich said that if you want to know how a person feels about sex, ask them how they feel about masturbation. Social conditioning can lead us to subconsciously associate masturbation with loneliness, selfishness, boredom, even sin. This can prevent us from enjoying and celebrating our own bodies in the fullest way possible. If we feel that we have to avoid or hide our masturbation urges, we suppress our real feelings, desires and longing for pleasure.  It is only once we can learn to celebrate our sexual relationship with ourselves that we can fully embrace out sexual pleasure with a partner.

For those of you who believe that masturbation is dirty or wrong, I would invite you to explore the root of this belief. Is it something that you were told in childhood? If so, is it still a belief that holds true for you today? Do you believe that you are deserving of self-loving? Only once you have addressed these fundamental questions can you begin to build a loving and rewarding relationship with your own body. Once you feel ready, begin by taking a mirror and take a good look at the body parts that you are afraid to touch; explore them with your eyes and then your fingers. Discover what feels good, explore the different sensations of soft and firm touch. Learn how to touch without judgement, simply acknowledging any negative thoughts or emotions you may experience, and then bringing your attention gently back to the sensations that you are experiencing. As you learn to touch without judgement, you will begin to experience the natural, pleasurable sensations that nature has designed your body to give to you.  

With masturbation being treated as a secret and perhaps sordid activity, it is perhaps no wonder that many of us have never had the experience of being watched whilst we masturbate. To be witnessed masturbating can be an enormous privilege both for the person touching himself and for the one who is watching. I would encourage all couples to experience at least once the joy of masturbating in front of each other. As the person doing the witnessing, you should not attempt to touch or to speak words of encouragement to your partner; your role is simply to watch and appreciate how your lover pleasures his or her own body. As the witness, you will be privileged to see the most intimate way in which your partner connects with his or her own body, to see how they touch themselves, how they move their body and how their excitement builds. You will be able to fully experience the intimate relationship that they have with themselves. Once your partner has finished, swap roles and enjoy the experience from the other point of view.  As the person being witnessed, you will be able to be fully accepted as a sexual being with a right to give yourself sexual pleasure. This can be very liberating indeed, not to mention sexually arousing and exciting. The intimacy that will grow between the two of you will be very rewarding indeed.

Whether single or in a relationship, you will always be your greatest lover, so take time to appreciate and enjoy your own body. Once you are able to love yourself and celebrate your own pleasure, your ability to enjoy sexual intimacy with another will also be greatly enriched.