Wednesday 21 December 2011

Not tonight darling, I have a headache...

How many hearts (and penises!) sink at the utterance of that simple phrase… yet again, sex is off the agenda, and you roll over to lie back to back, disappointed and disconnected, lonely and frustrated.  How has it come to this? What happened to the raunchy, uninhibited sex of the early days, the partner who could not keep their hands off of you, the sexual energy that passed between you every time your eyes connected…? As the years roll by, all too often passion and sensuality are replaced by familiarity, comfort and perhaps boredom.  Desire diminishes and sex gradually disappears from the relationship.

This will be a familiar story for many couples. So what causes low desire and how can we address it? In fact the problem is better described as a discrepancy in desire between partners. If both partners want sex once a month, then they are probably happy enough with their sex lives or at least with the frequency of sex. However, if one partner wants to make love once a month and the other once a day, this is likely to prove a bone of contention. In many relationships there is a ‘low desire’ partner and a ‘high desire partner’. The high desire partner is frustrated because he or she is the one always making the sexual approaches, while the low desire partner is the one always saying ‘no’. The low desire partner actually ends up with the sexual power as he or she becomes the gatekeeper of the sexual relationship, controlling when and how often the couple have sex.

There is no ‘right’ number of times to be having sex a week, month or year. A good sex life is less about quantity and more about quality. Great sex, according to Professor Peggy Kleinplatz, is about being “fully present, authentic, vulnerable, intensely connected with a partner and emotionally willing to take risks during sex”. This is far from the goal-oriented sex many couples have, aimed at reaching orgasm as quickly as possible. Instead it is about being in the moment, savouring every touch of your partner’s body, sensing the presence of skin on skin, paying attention to the sights, smells, sounds and sensations. How often are we really fully present when we have sex? In so many cases, we are in our heads rather than in our bodies, rewinding to past experiences or fast forwarding to future plans, running our fantasies through our minds or mentally preparing the shopping list. All of these things prevent us from really experiencing and connecting with our partner. It is no wonder that so many couples find sex mundane, boring and repetitive after a while; they are no longer experiencing any kind of connection with each other.

So what can couples do to re-kindle the passion and desire in their relationship? How can they ensure that sex once again becomes an erotic and sensuous experience? Perversely, they may need to begin by taking sex off of the agenda. As long as we are focused on the twin goals of penetration and orgasm, we are no longer giving our full attention to what we are experiencing in our bodies in the moment. By taking time to just explore our partner’s body without going onto have sex, we can get back in touch with the sensations that arouse both us and them. In order to do this, we have to be prepared to know our own bodies intimately as well. Take time to lie down alone and explore your own body, finding out where and how you like to be touched. You will then be able to show your partner what really turns you on.

Spend time remembering what originally attracted you to your partner; talk with your partner about the sexual high points of the relationship. What made the experiences so erotic and intense? Remember what it felt like to truly desire one another. What was it each of you was doing differently back then? Try to recapture some of the magic of those early times. If you have children, find a babysitter one night a week and plan a date night. Take turns to decide how you will spend the time. You may want to go out to a restaurant or to relive some of your first dates. Or you may decide to stay in and share your fantasies with one another, read erotica together or watch porn. There are some excellent female porn directors, such as Anna Span, making films specifically for the female market. The content is more realistic than that of male-oriented porn, there is more focus on the story and the sex shots designed to stimulate the female as well as the male viewer.

In addition to your weekly date night, take turns to ask each other for a daily act of intimacy; this may be a neck massage, a walk in the park hand in hand, or simply 15 minutes to sit and talk. By re-establishing an intimate connection out of the bedroom, you will begin to prepare the ground for greater arousal and erotic energy during sex.

The great thing about sexual desire is that it can often be revived, given the right conditions and some tender loving care. In some cases there may be greater blocks to sexual arousal, such as hormonal imbalances, depression, poor body image, relationship difficulties or previous sexual trauma. In such situations, couples will benefit from the assistance of a sex coach or therapist to help them explore and address the underlying causes of low desire.  Many couples suffer in silence, believing their sex lives to be dead and buried.  Reviving your sex life begins with reviving your communication; share your fears and concerns with your partner and work together on bringing back the erotic, sensual and playful sex life that you both deserve!

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